Like an effeminate touch applied to histories supple backside,
homosexuality has had a long and “pride” filled existence.
As many readers are aware, the
ancient Greeks were the first to invent
gay sex (Hence the phrase “going Greek” or "Greek love"), although they eventually apologized for this and later made up for it by inventing things like
democracy,
plumbing, and the
Archimedes screw (no relation to gay sex). Over the next few millennia, starting in the Mediterranean, homosexuality slowly arose it’s fat, cobra-like head, and spread across the rest of the world. This lasted until well into the 20th-century when it finally took up permanent residence in
San Francisco, which then officially ceded from the straight world sometime in the 1970’s.
There are some in recent years however, who have sought to challenge the notion that the Greeks invented anything more then a crude vernacular referring to anal sex for
escort service ads. Many point to the ubiquitous nature of homosexuality in, well, nature. As the Wikipedia article
Homosexuality in animals attests,
sex between male giraffes happens to such an uncomfortable degree that conservationists, like parents of recently
outed children, don’t know whether to be supportive or ashamed.
Bad giraffe! You keep up this deviant behavior and the
Still, the road to the current state of gay liberation has not been without a few hiccups. There was that whole awkward thing of being
written out most major religions. Also, being rounded up and exterminated during the
holocaust wasn’t too hot either.
...Well, maybe that’s a poor word choice.
While the road has certainly been a rocky one, from this adversity much innovation has been born. Admittedly, not all of it has been completely perfect. For example, there was
Gay fuel, a now-defunct gay energy drink. While generally described as having a good taste, it came with the unfortunate side effect of turning one flamboyantly homosexual for roughly 4-6 hours following consumption.
Here's a fun idea: pack one of these into your kids school
lunch and see how many bruises they come home with.
Yet many creations were nothing less then remarkable. One such invention, which certainly left homosexuals coming out on top...er, so to speak, is what’s known as handkerchief code.
As its Wikipedia article attests, this brilliant system was devised to allow members of small
sexual minorities, homosexuals and beyond, to find each other by wearing specific colors of
handkerchief; the “giver” generally wearing it in their left trouser pocket (Yes, I said trouser), and the “receiver” in their right. The system is analogous to the
color matching jerseys seen on sports teams, only way gayer.
As one would expect, the article bares a substantial list of all the divergent colors and their typical meanings. Far more freaky practices then perhaps then most readers will have even realized existed. While most are rather ho-hum, such as anal intercourse, daddy/boy sex, and
cock-and-ball torture, a few have the potential to stir a readers casual interest, such as the “dark red” color and its reference to the nostalgic pastime of two-handed
anal fisting.
Who wants a mustache ride??
The system, while admirable, is not without it’s slight defects. Despite their proclivity for
interior design and
fashion, a few homosexuals still can’t tell the difference between similar colors, such as “
Kelly green” and “
Hunter green” (something which no straight man can determine). These minor snafus can occasionally lead to some hurt feelings in situations where one persons desire for
spanking, for example, tragically ends in a two-handed anal fisting.
That said, as an oblivious
straight man myself, I have to tip my hat to the exotic world of homosexuality and fetishes, for they have engineered a system far superior to those used by their straight counterparts. Handkerchief code gives me the orientation equivalent of
penis-envy. Why can’t the boring, mainstream, straight world come up with a great system like this? Granted, our
engagement/
wedding ring system has worked pretty well with vanilla sex for centuries now, but perhaps it’s time that we aspired for more. Why can’t I wear an excessively large flesh-tone colored hat to show that I would prefer a woman with excessively large flesh-tone colored breasts? And women, why not wear something distinctive, like diamond encrusted tiara to signify you’re looking for a guy with money, so that more economically disadvantaged males can steer clear. Yes, there is much progress to be made here, and embarrassingly, it’s those having
sex in furry costumes that are leading the way.
This would symbolize that you do not
want to have sex with this woman.
Awesomeness tip: Check out the Handkerchief code article. If you’re like me, and you’d like to commandeer this system for your own, much like your ancestors probably did to
Indian lands, look through the list and carefully determine what fetish might be right for you. When you think you know, go to a website like
http://www.handkerchiefsofcolor.com/ and order that particularly color of hanky. Wear it for a few weeks and see what results you get. If enough straight people do this, eventually homosexuals will realize how lame the practice has become and abandon it. Until such time, you might be occasionally surprised by a large, hairy man in a leather gimp suit grabbing your ass, but these are the temporary prices we must pay to help carve a better future!
I’ve got a gold colored hanky heading for my left pocket today! :D
Truthfully though, this article brings up a bit of an auxiliary issue. We’re trusting scientists that this sound is really as magical as they say it is. I don’t know about you, but part of me thinks someone at NOAA is playing a little joke on us.
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