Popobawa

Main article: Popobawa

HOLY JEBUS, where do I start with this F’d up article?

Ok...well...imagine if you will, some form of utopia. Let’s say, for example, some mythical, androgynous kingdom of elves, playing their questionable little flutes and living high in some canopy village on a distant, nearly unreachable land.

[insert warm, fuzzy feeling]

Now, we all know that every fiction story needs a narrative conflict or it’s not really much of a story, right? In the case of elves, conflict generally arises in the form of some darker, far less attractive adversary ceaselessly crashing upon their emerald shores, trying to raze their harmonious little world for no seemingly logical reason (although that does sound pretty fun...little elven bastards...).

Anyway, returning to reality, Wikipedia is that magical utopia. Everyday countless numbers of loathsome, fiendish articles all try to penetrate her silicon chastity belt of encyclopedic excellence. Each is looking for the established credibility that being a Wikipedia article brings, which is obviously absolute and unquestionable authority on the subject.

How bad can this problem really be, you ask? Why can't Wikipedia stop being such an icy, perfectionistic bitch like that girl that wouldn't date you in high school and just accept you for the awkward individual you are? Well, assuming I’m able to overlook your blatant wikiblasphemy, I would suggest you check out the creepy article underworld known as Deletionpedia. You see, just like in religon and fairytails, articles have afterlives too. Deletionpedia is where bad articles go when they die. There they stay for eternity, never to return...

...Well, except in the cases when notability is established months or years later and they actually do come back. So I guess, to extend the metaphor, that would be like when Jesus was resurrected from hell on the 7th day or whatever.

So anyway, take just a moment and picture yourself as a Wikipedia soldier drone, on patrol, keyboard locked and loaded, and coming across this freshly created article:

Popobawa is a Bat like Sexual Creature that resembles the creature from Jeepers Creepers terrorising people in Tanzania. Popobawa has been known to strike in Zanzibar and Dar-es-salaam. He Sodomises men and the rules state that if a victim does not tell people, Popobawa will keep on sodomising him until he does so. This creature can also be compared to a Chupacabra from latin america with slight differences, thus Popobawa does not seem to harm people or animals and he has wings. Popobawa is purely a sexual Demon. In the late 1990's to 2000'2 Popobawa ran rampant in Coastal Tanzania, such that in some instances people (especially men) were seen sleeping outside with fears of being sodomised. So far there are no known reports of Popobawa attacking Women.

Riiiiiiight...

Now, I don’t know about you, but this whole thing comes off to me as a completely bat-shit crazy story written by some bi-curious teenager. DELETE...DELETEDELETEDELETEDELETEDELETE.

But wait a sec...

hold on...

...turns out that the Popobawa is...real?

That’s right, you heard me, REAL.

I mean, not like scholarly zoological real, or even really crackpot cryptozoology real, more like a shadow people real. But with hundreds, if not thousands now, of people claiming to have been sodomized in the dead of the night by a marauding bat-demon, it’s real enough to keep me from wanting to travel to Tanzania.

Remember universal law #27? That things were usually more hardcore in the 1940’s? Well rule #28 is more temporally current and geographically based version of that:

Universal law #28: Things are generally more hardcore in Africa.

Look, I don’t even have to get into touchy stuff like ebola, 21st-century genocides, and frequent, catastrophic famine; just look at the animals. Lions, hyenas, even the damn bees. "Africanized" honeybees are better known as "killer bees" because they're so badass. And it's this "Africanized" effect that obviously transfers over to less tangable entities too. For example, we have the reclusive, yet lovable, bigfoot, who misbehaves by raiding your camp site. Africa, in turn, has the Popobawa, who raids the very essence of your being...repeatedly.

Non-africanized Killer Bees. Note how much less letal they appear.

Keep in mind that rule #28 isn't a racial or even cultural thing, although the African people themselves are undoubtedly resilient given their residency in Africa. I have no doubt that my pasty white ass would have quickly become lion chow had I chosen the alternative career path of subsistence farmer.

Awesomeness tip: The Popobawa article has been substantially cleaned up since his freewheelin’, overly-sexualized ways, but you can still see some of the craziness in the titles of his source articles. Make sure to check out the wikilinks in the “See also” section to read up on similar preternatural rapists. You know, if you’re into that sort of thing. :\