Parody religions

Main article: Parody religion

Existential angst got you down? Stuck in an endless succession of reincarnated lifetimes whilst unable to attain spiritual transcendence and escape your karmic wheel? Waking up with that “not-so-fresh” feeling? Sounds like it might be time for you to consider becoming religious, or at least adopting some similar bias-forming philosophical view-point. Join me on an unforgettable journey to explore the many remarkable religions all vying to show you the path to enlightenment! :D

Wha? You aren’t interested in organized religion? :(

Whatda ya mean you don’t like dogma and mind-numbingly boring, mandatory rituals? You realize that there’s a correlation between religion and happiness, right? Wikipedia even has an article about it, meaning that it’s stone-cold fact. There’s even the minuscule chance that you’ll end up picking the right religion and not go to hell/oblivion/being reincarnated-as-a-men’s-underwear, as you’ve been fully expecting all these years.

Still no, eh?

Hmm, so how then is a non-religious person suppose to find true happiness and meaning without the guiding hand of a benevolent creator?

Well, as it turns out, whether you’re a staunch atheist, an indecisive agnostic, or a “spiritual-but-don’t-like-organized-religion” type of person, all non-religious people LOVE bothering the bejesus out of religious people. They draw happiness from it, in the same way that a desiccated, vampric corpse leeches the life from an innocent, probably blonde, victim.

Keep in mind that by “religious people”, I mean hardcore, Fundamentalist Christians. This, of course, is by default, as most of us fear the kidnapping/beheading that generally follows a lighthearted lampooning of Islamic fundamentalism. Also, no one really wants to be seen with any of the groups in the antisemitic crowd. Liberal Christians aren’t nearly intolerant enough to be ribbed well, and eastern religions like Buddhism are just too adorable to pick on. Thus, non-religious people poke at those who annoyingly try everything in their power to save non-religious people.

But pissing off Fundamentalist Christians isn’t as easy as it used to be. Whereas once just being an atheist or putting up an atheistic sign in your modest storefront could draw jeering protests from God’s finest, nowadays, atheists are as common as sin, and they garner more pity and free “good word” pamphlets then anything else.

So what’s a bored, liberal intellectual to do? Why, create a parody religion of course! Few things are as viscerally exasperating to someone as mocking their core beliefs. Hell, do it well enough and the dark lord might even reward you with an extra long set of venomous claws or something once the time comes (Don’t tell him I promised you that).

While the parody religion article is basically just a list, it's a list joyfully filled with the most ridiculous religions imaginable. Essentially, if you can think it up, and especially if you can put it into some form of media like TV or movies, you’ve got yourself a new religion, complete with real life followers. Here’s some examples from the list:

• Festivius, the delightfully Seinfeldesque holiday for the rest of us.
• The Church of Google, as the search engine is the apparently the closest some of us will ever come to God.
• Dudeism, the church of the latter-day dude, based on the Big Lebowski character.
• The Cult of Michael Jackson...I’m pretty sure you saw this one coming...
• Lostology, A religion based on an a hit ABC tv show (really?)
• Jedi Religion, *sigh*

This obvious ease of religion spawning is one of the reasons why cults are so relatively simple to start. Still, in the end, they require too much time and effort to manage effectively, unless one has a special penchant for mass suicides or acquiring an impressive number of pre-teen brides.

So, where to start in selecting your new pretend religion? Well, I have the top five Wikiawesome theological articles all ready and waiting for you:

#5. Discordianism

Discordianism, known as the “disorganized religion”, is based around chaos and disorder, as opposed to the harmony and order of most organized religions. It may be a good choice for those who like power, as every member is designated as a “pope” and given powers such as:

“To excommunicate, de-ex-communicate, re-ex-communicate, and de-re-ex-communicate (no backsies!) both his-/her-/it-/them-/your-/our-/His-/Her-/It-/Them-/Your-/Our-self/selves and others (if any).”

and

“To perform all rites and functions deemed inappropriate for a Pope of Discordia.”

Also, the rules, at least as seen in the Wikipedia page, are completely crazy, as one would expect from a disorganized religion.

#4. Absurdism

Since most Wikiawesome readers likely hold some useless advanced degree in something like history or philosophy, many will be familiar with the lesser-known philosophy of absurdism, which basically maintains that the efforts of humans to try and find any meaning in the universe are absurd and ultimately destined to fail. Aburdism isn’t a parody religion, or even a religion at all, but a philosophical stance that helps explain why the 19th century sucked so much ass.

"It is that I, as it stands now, find myself getting my portrait

sketched. Whereas I could smile for this, I have, in a

resolute demeanor, decided against such. Fuck you."

—Søren Kierkegaard, 19th century Absurdist Danish philosopher.

#3. Invisible, pink unicorn

Arriving in the 1990’s, along with the great evil known as the internet, was the invisible, pink unicorn. The IPU turned out to be a great way to call shenanigans on what many religions maintained was a invisible, undetectable god. As the IPU folk maintain, trying to find God is like trying to use a metal detector to search for unicorns in one's sock drawer.

IPU also has a supreme evil character analogous to the devil, known as the Purple Oyster:

"For I did see my unworthiness in Her sight, for I was a sinner, destined forever to spend existence in the presence of the unholy Purple Oyster, waxing his shell and massaging his most wretched and slimy feet. For lo, the Purple Oyster doth truly have feet, and the legs thereof, and the toes thereof, giving him dominion over all the clams of the seas, and allowing him to go unto the children of men, and tempt them unto destruction." — The Revelation of St. Bryce the Long-Winded (Partial), Chapter One, Verses 9 to 11

Me thinkith St. Bryce had wayyyy too much time on his hands...

#2. Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster

I have no words for this.

Similar to the invisible, pink unicorn, but arguably much tastier, the church of the giant flying spaghetti monster is where it’s at when it comes to having an awesome religion. Pastafarians, as their called, believe that the universe was created by an invisible, undetectable, flying spaghetti monster after a night of their god's heavy drinking (this is why the world's so flawed). Their heaven contains a beer volcano and a stripper factory. They also assert that pirates are the ultimate divine beings and link their steady decline over history with a rise in global warming.

While the religion is pretty much just a parody of intelligent design, they do take the pirate thing pretty seriously and, as you undoubtedly recall, September 19th is international “talk like a pirate” day.

If Pastafarianism is to be believed, Rufio is roughly

equivalent to 2.73 coal plants worth of carbon emissions.

#1. Misotheism

Finally, we reach the most hardcore theological stance of all; Misotheism. Misotheism is the uncomfortable, deadpan humor of the parody scene, and, even more then satanism, the religious view point for badasses. It basically says:

“Ok, you know what, FINE. Your God is real. Ok? There, I said it. But I HATE HIM. Sure, he controls everything and is lord supreme of blah blah blah, but he can kiss my mortal ass.”

See, with misotheism, you actually do believe in God. You just also believe that you hate him/her/it. Not surprisingly, the article contains a synopsis of numerous similar viewpoints, like Dystheism (god is actually evil) and has lists of all those times in the bible where God breaks stuff and yells at people like a mischievous toddler.

So, I can see you’ve got a lot to sort out now. Before I let you get to it, I’ll leave you with an enchanting quote from everyone’s favorite super-atheist, Richard Dawkins:

"The total amount of suffering per year in the natural world is beyond all decent contemplation. During the minute that it takes me to compose this sentence, thousands of animals are being eaten alive, many others are running for their lives, whimpering with fear, others are slowly being devoured from within by rasping parasites, thousands of all kinds are dying of starvation, thirst, and disease. It must be so. If there ever is a time of plenty, this very fact will automatically lead to an increase in the population until the natural state of starvation and misery is restored. In a universe of electrons and selfish genes, blind physical forces and genetic replication, some people are going to get hurt, other people are going to get lucky, and you won't find any rhyme or reason in it, nor any justice. The universe that we observe has precisely the properties we should expect if there is, at bottom, no design, no purpose, no evil, no good, nothing but pitiless indifference."

 Well, I guess you don't need to ask why parody religions seem to be doing so well... :\