And this, of course, is why subcultures exist. Subcultures are sort of the extroverts way of giving life that interactive, themed feel that video games do for the escapist introvert. They typically spring up with more frequency in places that have greater-then-normal social inequality or too much free time. Take high school for example. Remember how many crazy cliques and shit existed there? Really, nobody wants to think about bothersome things like curfews, detention, and academic achievement. Thus, teenagers wear embarrassingly ill-fitting clothing and meticulously climb (or fall) down an impeccably structured popularity hierarchy.
Kids these days...
Yet, perhaps the most renown subcultures belong to land of adults. Again, popping up more often where there’s more perceived inequalities and too much free time. Ergo, it should come as little surprise that one of the most feared subcultures comes from what's perhaps our most oppressive and free-time bequeathing institution of all; prison.
Following the infallible universal law #28, that things are generally more hardcore in Africa, perhaps the most feared of all the world's prison gangs is South Africa’s “The Numbers Gang”. They might sound like a nostalgic group of prohibition-era gangsters, with members named “Knuckles” and “Shifty”, or perhaps just a bumbling assortment of inept bad guys on some boring kids math-based game show, but trust me when I say that all the time they could have put into thinking up a more hardcore name was apparently spent on them actually becoming hardcore.
Don't F with Africa...
Concordantly, were you to put a quarter into the arcade game called “being-an-economically-disadvantaged-poor-black-youth-in-South-Africa-who-just-got-caught-for-robbing-a-grocery-store-and-sentenced-to-Pollsmoor-prison” your horrific quest would probably look something like this:
Level 1: Joining the gang
Upon your arrival in prison, one of the first and most critical challenges would be successfully answering a riddle posited to you by your friendly local senior-rep for the gang. The example question given in the article is the following:
“It is raining, you are standing under and umbrella. I say to you I am getting wet, I may get sick. What are you going to do?”If your answer was “I invite you to share my umbrella”, you might want to consider pressing the reset button. At that point you're dubbed an adorable “wyfie” and given housework (as wyfie’s are apparently not very liberated yet). This is of course why you actually never teach children to share, especially those children whom you know are most likely going to end up in prison.
During this interrogation, you might also want to consider not ask clarifying questions such as whether or not the umbrella will fly you far, far away were you to tightly close your eyes and make a wish. Or if the fictional umbrella gives you a certain control over legions of small, flightless birds, similar Batman’s nemesis, The Penguin.
Really wanna share an umbrella with this guy?
Level 2-49: Rising through the ranks
Levels 2-49 are mostly spent rising through the ranks. Your rank is based on the experience score recorded on the upper left-hand corner of your screen. This experience is gathered by performing gross human rights violations upon your fellow prisoners.
...And for you game completionists, special side missions can be undertaken, such as entering into the gangs complicated judiciary (yes, they ironically have one) or competing in a “general election” which, much like elsewhere, means wholesale slaughter of everyone around you.
Level 50: The end-boss John MongrelSo you’ve made it to the last level. At this point, you’ve taken a beautiful wyfie and now get laid at a whim (unfortunately, never with a women), you have a professional, yet slightly ridiculous South African-based title like “magistrate” or “inspector”, and you wield a sharpened toothbrush with the skill and finesse of a rabid Zorro.
Yet one day your wyfie goes mysteriously missing...
Also, he likely kidnapped your wyfie as that helps build to the climax (I’m speaking of narrative climax BTW).
Like any good end-game boss however, this will not be easy. Mongrel subsists exclusively on the flesh of fellow prisoners, regenerates magic points by sexually assaulting them, and wields a +5 shank of flaming.
Once he’s defeated however, you’re treated to the heart-warming final theatric sequence where you’re reunited with your beloved wyfie, a roll of the end credits, and a musical score that sounds strangely like a screaming cacophony of the thousands of people you defiled over the years during your bloody ascent to power.
Bonus points for escaping at some point.
Now it’s just a matter of waiting for the sequel; “Paroled: The recidivism”.
Awesomeness tip: Fair warning, this article is actually pretty disturbing, even beyond the level of the Popobawa. If you’re up for actually reading it (really?), as a bonus, see if you can figure out what the “slow puncture” is. If you can, describe the process to someone you care about and watch their reaction. Priceless. :D
