Awww...look at the cute little baby!
How adorable!
AHHHHHHHH!!! MONSTER!!
*Whew* that’s better. I can handle that one...
Gather round my children, and I shall tell you a tale. A tale of something terrible. A tale of something so horrific, it will haunt not only your nightmares, but also your long plane trips and restaurant outings. That’s right; I speak of babies, those little bundles of endless screams and spit-ups. As you travel through this life you’re bound to encounter some. Hell, you might have even popped out a few. *gasp*
Still, it’s way too easy to hate on defenseless infants. Some might say it’s as easy as stealing candy from an overused cliché. This is because babies are so disgustingly coddled by each and every culture. Alright, so the Canaanites and their creative penchant for sacrificing babies to the fire god Moloch might be a slight exception. And yes, admittedly Vikings weren’t big fans either, but besides those guys, everyone universally loves babies. I’m pretty sure it’s some law or something.So it’s fair to say that this world can be a tough place for the infant aversive. You’re lumped in with some of the most bloodthirsty cultures in history. Refuse to hold someone's baby enough and it’s only a matter of time before you’re labeled a Nazi. So what’s a person to do?
In actuality, Hitler had an appreciation for babies, thus proving his pure and complete evil.
Well my friends, take heart. Lord Kristopf is here to inform you that not all children are frightening. Some, in fact, are actually incredibly frightening. Today’s example of this is the very rare birth defect known as Cyclopia.
Like most truly badass things, the nature of this disorder has its roots founded in antiquity. In this case it’s identified with the mythical race of Cyclops, brutish humanoids who were most easily identified by their singular, centralized eye.
No, not this cyclops.
Sadly, the Cyclops were driven to extinction through the complex dynamics of habitat loss and monocles falling out of fashion. We humans were left with their rich architectural heritage and, since scientists are horribly uncreative and reach back to old Latin words to name nearly every new discovery, it was inevitable that the proud Cyclops race would be eventually reduced the namesake of an abhorrent birth defect.
If only we could have learned to be more tolerant. If only...
Nevertheless, you’re probably asking how such abominations come into being. Well much of that answer is scientific and deals with boring things like protein expression, but there is one entertaining way; ingesting an evil plant known as vetch weed. Don’t worry, it’s teratogenic and not mutagenic, so you should probably only find it threatening if you’re currently still a zygote.
But with the knowledge that you can actually now make your own baby Cyclops, it does raise a few interesting potentials. For example, are you looking for a creative method of abortion? Perhaps you’re trying to thwart a welfare mom from producing another litter? Or could you be an only child, threatened by the arrival of a younger brother or sister you never wanted?
Only you can prevent these types of tragedies.
Awesomeness tip: Still don't believe Cyclops actually existed? Check out their legacy in the Cyclopean masonry article. :P
