- Do you put the needs of others before your own?
- Do you freely give emotional support?
- Do you sometimes weep softly at the end of romantic comedies?
If you answered yes to any of the above and you’re a male, you might be afflicted with what’s known as “nice guy syndrome”. Don’t be ashamed. You really shouldn’t beat yourself up over it, as your “nice” traits make it likely that you will. Just realize that while pro-social behavior is generally a indicator of success in nearly all modern endeavors, it does come with a price, a very steep price I might add. A price you will pay by rarely getting laid.
How can I say this with a jerk-like confidence? Because so sayeth the divine word of Wikipedia in the article “Nice guy”.
You see, when it comes to males, we can all be casually sorted into two diametrically opposing personas, with absolutely no room for any crossover. Either a guy thinks that turtlenecks are “cozy” and finds chaperones on dates as acceptable, if not a necessity, or he’s a master of administering the “purple-nurple” to weaker males and finds domestic violence “funny”.
Nice guy/bad boy test question #1: Does the prospect of Venom devouring this helpless child amuse or horrify you?
I’d like to pause at this point and take a page out of the nice guy handbook by apologizing to the female readers, as this article, and being a “nice guy” in general, really only applies to males. As we all know, women have no nice guy equivalent. Rather, every woman, with her extra, DNA-laden, X chromosome, is capable of a mind-boggling assortment of behavior, shifting from benevolent angel one moment to raging she-demon the next, all dependent upon a mere 713 influencing factors, such as mood, hormones, the phases of the moon, coin-toss, etc.
What we can now say with certainty however, is that women do not want to have sex with men that are respectful and emotionally available. What do you mean “How would I know”? I already told you BITCH! (You should be finding me slightly more attractive now).
Nice guy/bad boy test question #2: Is Jesus a badass in this
picture because he's Jesus or because he's wielding a rifle?
*Admittedly, this is somewhat funny.
So what’s the prognosis of someone suffering from nice guy syndrome? Well, it’s mixed. You can choose to remain a nice guy, and end up living a mediocre life that could best be described with words like “contentment”, “longevity”, and “blessed”, or you could learn to channel the badass, and, while likely never achieving any measure of true happiness and probably dying an early, prank-related death, have a lot more fun and, as I believe I’ve mentioned a number of times earlier, have more sex. Statistically, 97.3% of men will quickly choose the latter option. Thus, your prescription will need to be a massive dosage of male enhancement, and not the kind that makes your junk bigger.
Nice guy/bad boy test question #3: Too hardcore or not too hardcore enough?
So just who is this metaphorical cyborg-pirate-ninja-jesus? He’s the bad boy. He dispensed you that beating in middle school and, in case you've forgotten already, he has a lot more sex then you. Some men that are truly fortunate are born with one or more fun personality quirks from what is known as the “dark triad”, comprising narcissism, machiavellianism, and psychopathy. It’s called the dark triad in honor of the badass ninja gang, from whence, as we all know, the real cyborg-pirate-ninja-jesus came.
So as you can see, the solution is a simple one. You need to start being more of a hardass and it’s not going to be easy. Unlike bad boys, facades and deception are not something you’ll have had much previous experience with. But with practice you should be able to erode most of what it took your parents and society so long to teach you.
Nice guy/bad boy test question #4: What if Rick James really had become the Hulk?
Considering putting down the toilet seat? Don’t! You’re a badass now. Your woman wants you to clean your shit out of the garage today? You’d be better off spending that time removing the sleeves from all your shirts and buying an eye-patch. As a badass, you follow nobody's rules, not even your own probably. (also, that eye-patch will come in handy at covering up the bruises from when she gets home and finds out you did not clean your shit out of the garage like you were supposed to).
Awesomeness test answers:
- Question #1: Horrify = 0, Amuse = 1, I would love to see the before and after pictures = 2
- Question #2: Jesus = 0, Rifle = 1, Neither, that picture is boring = 2
- Question #3: Hardcore = 0, Not hardcore enough = 1, That's my facebook profile picture = 2
- Question #4: Angry black people scare me = 0, Awesome! = 1, Rick James isn't the Hulk? = 2
If you scored 4 - 6: You're a mild "bad boy", or at least you front one well. Don't let anyone find out you still like spooning.
If you scored 7 or more: You're true badass! Why are you reading a blog page? Shouldn't you be out causing hooliganism?
